Fathers are parents too

Today I dropped my children off at day camp.  My son Jesse, who is 4 years old, was clinging to my back as I hung their backpacks and lunch-boxes, and led my children to the main room.  I was about to leave and reached behind me, taking hold of Jesse's shirt, and pulled him around to my front, telling him for the nth time that I don't like him clinging onto my back and that it was time for a hug and a kiss goodbye.  At this point, the camp director stepped in and said "no, no, no" and took over.  She "comforted" Jesse and suggested that I get something of mine to let him hold for the day.

I found myself becoming irritated.  Why?  My initial reaction is that I don't need or want someone to direct my parenting.  She knows my children superficially, but doesn't know much about my relationship with them, my values, how we resolve issues, whether this has been dealt with before, or whether I want him to learn how to get through the day without having to rely on holding a reminder of me.  She probably acted in a way that was based on her experiences with her own children, or, my worst fear, her assumption that as a father I was an incompetent parent.

As I thought more about it, I began to wonder whether she would have done the same thing to a mother.  As a father of young children, it sometimes seems that the assumption is that I struggle through my interactions and various challenges with my children, when in actuality I have read a great deal about parenting and have a style that I am comfortable with and that evolves as the children grow and change.  At the same time, I am not opposed to hearing suggestions on parenting when presented as just that, suggestions, rather than dictations.

Finally, I began to stew because I am not just a father, but a father whose marriage ended in the last year.  I sometimes feel that there is a bias against divorced fathers based on the assumption that they must have been bad husbands or bad fathers to have ended up divorced.  Perhaps there are rumors about what kind of husband/father I was.  This camp director also knows my wife.  In my experience, most of the people who are involved in taking care of my children outside of the family are women.  This includes camp counsellors, teachers at school, and teachers at extra-curricular activities.  My sense is that these women, although not openly hostile, tend to have a bias of sympathy with my children's mother rather than with their father.

In the end, I realize that this woman was trying to do what she believed was the right thing and the helpful thing, but it makes one think of the Golden Rule, which is not "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".  A more proper interpretation is "Do unto others as they would like to have done unto them".  This requires communication.  It requires asking "Would you like some help with your son?", "Would you like me to suggest something to do about this?", because my answer might have been "No, I prefer to handle this myself".    It is important to remember that people do things differently and if you are trying to help them, it is wise to inquire  about the situation first, especially if you don't know the person well.

Obviously in cases where there is neglect or abuse we accept that others can step in and act, but even here, the definitions of neglect and abuse are subject to interpretation.  She may have felt that pulling my son off my back by his T shirt was abusive. 

I'm reminded of the recent case of a woman who let her kids go to the mall unsupervised.  She ended up charged with endangering the welfare of her children.  Her children were 7th graders left at a mall in a small, safe city - Bozeman, Montana.  Both children had attended babysitting classes which teach CPR and infant care.  The girls were also with three other children at the mall, aged 8,7,and 3.  My point is that there are many variables involved and many arguments could be made for either side of the endangerment issue.  The question is at what point the criminal system should appropriately become involved.

When divorced, a parent is under more scrutiny than parents in an intact marriage.  It can create a sense of paranoia, leaving one too afraid to speak up and defend one's parenting style, especially after reading about cases such as the above. 

I like this day-camp, and I like the camp director.  My children socialize with other children, learn new skills, and develop their growing sense of independence and accomplishment.  I wish that there was more sensitivity and understanding shown to single fathers, not just at this camp, but in general.  Fathers are parents and one should assume that parents know how to take care of their children and enjoy doing so.

Missing the children

Three days of driving left my neck sore and the cold stark landscape of New Hampshire to the balmy swaying palms of the east coast of Florida.

The usual sense of joy that accompanied this southward journey was joined by a strong feeling of sadness, as this trip was different from others.

I pushed the 9 button on the condo elevator and felt my heart weigh heavily.  The same button that required careful negotiation to decide who would get to push it, Sam or Emily.  My finger was where their fingers had been only months before.  I could feel the coolness up my arm and smell the chlorine dripping bathing suits, seasoned with salt.  But I couldn't hear the stream of consciousness talk, the open conversations with strangers, some of whom listened, some of whom did not. I couldn't touch and hug the cool supple skin. 

Upstairs to a once-lived in grandmother's home.  A grandmother of two children, Sam and Emily.  And long before those two were born, it was the home of festive dinners hosting the kids' future parents, courting and in love.  Married in Florida 6 1/2 years ago.  The dream and the grandmother were left behind to move to a better, unknown place and the condo was seldom seen but for annual visits.  The grandmother was seldom seen until she moved to the cold north, leaving behind her dream also to help the struggling couple and to be with the missed children.

Resentments grew, jealousy raged, secrets once told and received tenderly with compassion were now distorted into unrecognizable monsters called lies.  One judge, limited, overworked, governed the outcome of so many lives with inadequate time to handle this business of his.

The children know nothing of this.  Only that divorce stinks and they don't know, at the ages of 3 and 6, where to place their allegiance, whose fault it must be.  The parents have it easier than the children as they can simply hate each other despite the stacks of love letters offering a gazillion percent certainty that you are the one.  The bridal dress sits neglected in a closet in the condo in Florida where we were married.

6 1/2 years ago I turned forty and boldly stumbled into the worst mistake of my life.  I've now given up the dream I had worked hard to earn, living in Florida, having a boat, a secure future. and am stuck in a place I despise because the two most important people in my life are here.  I dream of showing them all the knowledge of the southern waters that I learned, taking them for beachwalks, fishing, camping trips where we could snorkel and gather dinner.  That won't happen, made more painful by the fact that it once was mine. 

6 1/2 years entitled her to half of my money and half of my children and I was lucky in each case to keep half.  Cracks in my armor were attacked by hammers and chisels after the kisses were wiped away with alcohol and the once tenderly placed bandaids were removed.

An impulse can be costly and being an impulsive person, even if only one who tries to please, is a dangerous way to live life.  An expensive way to simplify things. 

When we started the divorce process, we were required to attend a class on divorce, discussing the process as well as the impact on the children.  This really provided no help at all.  More helpful would have been a class discussing the marriage and its failures, and why it was necessary to end it.  Whose fault was it?  Who turned out to be unfaithful to the person he or she purported to be before getting married?  I guess that's what marriage counseling is for, except that it does not work.  Perhaps it should be required as an ongoing part of any marriage so that it might be there before it's too late.  Perhaps the classes should be given before one gets married, explaining the realities and harshness of lives together, and allowing one to be realistic and tear up the love notes filled with lies while there is still time to save yourself, rather than years later when filled with bitterness, anger, and children that have to suffer through it.

There should be a divorce penalty.  There should be a required waiting period before getting married, just like before buying a gun.  There should be a required waiting period before having children.  There should be a required waiting period before having a divorce. 

I receive a letter from my attorney saying that the court has set a hearing date in a few months because apparently "the court" has become tired of waiting for my wife and me to submit a parenting plan.  Instead, the judge will dictate one, along with the help of the well meaning, but limited in her knowledge of my family, Guardian Ad Litem.  Of course I can't be impatient when I request a court date and have to wait months.  I have lost faith in justice.  THE COURT where justice is served like soggy food in a cheap Chinese buffet.  I recall early in the divorce, the emphasis on the welfare of the children.  At this point we have two people who hate each other working together to devise a parenting plan that serves the needs of their children and puts their own hurt aside.  A true system of justice would have a judge call each parent to see how it is going.  "Oh, you're making good progress, the kids are doing well?  Great, keep up the good work but please try to get it done soon" would be nice.  What we have is a machine without emotion, trying to move a large pile of papers from the inbox to the outbox.  Humanity is not served.  Nor are children, except perhaps children who are truly in danger, who are sent to places I know nothing about.  I'm not sure how much faith I'd have in that process if I knew more about it.  Our society is too busy making money to care about social well-being.  It's expensive.

I wonder why the process of marriage is formal, as if it were a contract.  I know of no other contract that is so important, and no other contract that is so easy to get out of.  Try breaking your lease.  It's harder than breaking your marriage and far less important.  I have important looking papers telling me that my marriage is official, a marriage "license".  People who are denied this option fight for it.  I can understand the desire to be treated equally, but I can't help but wonder if they're better off.

People speak of the resiliency of children in divorce.  I have not found this to be a soothing salve.  Ultimately it seems like an excuse for a system that pays little attention to the real needs of children and is unwilling to pony up for the services that would really help them.  This is typical of social programs in our culture.  Choose what is cheap and explain it away.  Kids are resilient.  Don't worry, they'll be OK.  Addicted?  12 Steps.  Cheap, and a dismal failure.  Expensive to society, but we are more interested in how much our house is worth, until an addict moves into the neighborhood.

I push the nine button and walk the familiar steps, feeling tears start to build.  Tears of loneliness, tears of sadness, and tears of pain for two children who had parents that shouldn't have passed the test to be allowed to have children.  Two sweet children who are confused and damaged, even though the system, and everyone else, says how well they are and will be. 

I resist the urge to throw away the wedding dress.  It is Emily's now.  I start to pick up toys from our last hurried leaving months ago, hula skirts, beach toys, stickers from the dentist, and start unpacking my own things.

Are my children resilient?  I suspect that depends on how my ex wife and I behave.  Everything I've read indicates that the most important factor in helping children adjust healthfully to divorce is to have parents that get along.  This seems to be an area where some resources would be worth providing, considering the large number of children of divorce who will grow up to become adults, changed, if not damaged, by the failure of their home to remain secure and reliable.


I could go upstairs and read, undisturbed as I had so often wanted to, and I would.  I would see my friends and be able to stay out late.  But there is no justification for two selfish people ignoring the vows of marriage to pursue their own happiness while letting the children manage.